I did my second Favorite meal for myself and decided to have my Favorite be about my brother. There is no one on this earth who is closer to me as we come from the same parents. Yet there isn’t anyone who could be any more different than me either. My brother is younger than me by two and a half years. Growing up, he had an array of medical issues (epilepsy and aspergers syndrome) that distanced our sibling relationship. It made those couple of years between us seem more like decades. There was a disconnect between us from early on that neither of us have yet to fully understand. This project was my attempt to have a conversation with him without actually having to use words, as words tend to be useless and confusing for him. (He was not present at this meal because he lives on the east coast.)

My brother was diagnosed with a severe mental illness about five years ago. He was 19. The entire basis of his condition is the disconnect the individual has from himself with reality. I began thinking about what a 'total disconnect' from oneself and reality means and things he does that are 'disconnected' as a starting point for thinking about this meal.

Sub sandwiches were a specialty of my brother’s as a kid. He would put so much attention, pride, and care into what his sandwiches became, that they became creations in and of themselves. I made one of his favorite sandwiches: roast beef, sharp cheddar, mayo, spicy mustard, tomato, lettuce, and red onion on a loaf of fresh baked wheat bread that was shaped like sub sandwich bread. I then baked two more loaves of French bread, also shaped like sub sandwich bread, and made my childhood favorite sandwich peanut butter and jelly. The sandwiches then were wrapped together, the two pb&j’s sandwiching the huge roast beef one. This in and of itself was a disconnect both visually and imagining the intermingling of those flavors.

I then took the sandwiches to the downtown bus station. I decided to hold the meal there because my brother will go to the city bus station whenever he is looking to connect. He doesn’t know where he is going or why he needs to go there, but there he is at the bus station anyway, ready for what is to come. He also has a habit of giving everything he owns away, or simply throws it out. Something about his disease makes him compulsively get rid of all personal affects. As I was sitting in the bus station, huge sandwiches in tow, I knew this is what I needed to do: give them away. So I started the rounds. People were apprehensive at first, and would not take the sandwiches. But finally, a Mexican family (a boy who could speak some English, his dad, and his grandfather) took the first slices. Soon thereafter, people began approaching me, asking for a piece. I left the station empty handed, as my brother would have done.

Going through this process was important to me. It is impossible to put yourself into someone’s shoes that has a mental illness, but it is another to go through similar motions and experience them as your own. Building his sandwich, going to the bus station, and giving away everything that I brought were all part of this. It was another way for me to connect with him as well as connecting my thoughts and feelings about him. The disconnect that we have as siblings I believe can be bridged through simple actions such as these, especially in this case where conversation is not easily had.

This type of project is a real deviation away from my usual highly planned, coordinated, and thought out event. I admit, it was difficult to let the situation take me where it would, but it turned out just right especially for my connection with my brother. So in effect, the event designed itself. As situations arose, I went with it, allowing to be taken where I needed to go. I am discovering that letting life take me where it will every now and then has huge rewards, but then again, the hardest things usually do.

Whole Wheat Bread (recipe adopted from here)

1 cup warm water (110-115 degrees F)
1 tablespoon milk
2 tablespoons oil
2 tablespoons honey
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
2 teaspoons instant active dry yeast
*Combine first 6 ingredients in a large mixing bowl; stir.
Add flours and yeast, and knead until dough is smooth and elastic, about 10-15 minutes. Place dough in a greased bowl, turning once to grease top. Cover with a clean towel and let rise until doubled, about 40 minutes.
Punch dough down; knead for a few minutes until smooth and then form into a loaf. Place in greased loaf pan and cover. Let rise in a warm place until almost doubled in size, about 30 minutes.
Bake at 350 degrees for 30-35 minutes. If loaf starts browning too soon, lightly lay a piece of foil on top of the loaf to prevent too much darkening.
Remove bread from oven and allow to rest in pan for a few minutes. Remove to a wire rack and cover with a cloth. Is excellent served warm with butter or let cool and slice to serve as a sandwich bread.

French Bread Loaves (recipe adopted from Mireille Guiliano)

4-5 cups unbleached all purpose flour
1 teaspoon active dry yeast
2 cups warm water
1 heaping teaspoon salt

Place 1/2 cup of the warm water in a small bowl, add the yeast and let froth, about ten minutes. Meanwhile, sift the flour and salt. Add the yeast and rest of the warm water (1 1/2 cups). Kneed for about 10 minutes, until smooth. Let rise in a covered bowl in a warm spot for an hour or until doubled in size. Punch down and form into small baguette loaves on your bread stone. Let rise again for about a half hour. Scour the tops and wisk 1 egg with about a teaspoon of cold water mixed in, to brush on top of the loaves before baking (this gives them a beautiful golden color and texture on top). Bake for 15 minutes at 450 degrees. Turn the oven down after the 15 minutes and back for 5-10 minutes more at 400 degrees. Place a small pan of water in the bottom of your oven to bring it to the correct humidity while baking. Enjoy!

I did my second Favorite meal for myself and decided to have my Favorite be about my brother. There is no one on this earth who is closer to me as we come from the same parents. Yet there isn’t anyone who could be any more different than me either. My brother is younger than me by two and a half years. Growing up, he had an array of medical issues (epilepsy and aspergers syndrome) that distanced our sibling relationship. It made those couple of years between us seem more like decades. There was a disconnect between us from early on that neither of us have yet to fully understand. This project was my attempt to have a conversation with him without actually having to use words, as words tend to be useless and confusing for him. (He was not present at this meal because he lives on the east coast.)

My brother was diagnosed with a severe mental illness about five years ago. He was 19. The entire basis of his condition is the disconnect the individual has from himself with reality. I began thinking about what a 'total disconnect' from oneself and reality means and things he does that are 'disconnected' as a starting point for thinking about this meal.

Sub sandwiches were a specialty of my brother’s as a kid. He would put so much attention, pride, and care into what his sandwiches became, that they became creations in and of themselves. I made one of his favorite sandwiches: roast beef, sharp cheddar, mayo, spicy mustard, tomato, lettuce, and red onion on a loaf of fresh baked wheat bread that was shaped like sub sandwich bread. I then baked two more loaves of French bread, also shaped like sub sandwich bread, and made my childhood favorite sandwich peanut butter and jelly. The sandwiches then were wrapped together, the two pb&j’s sandwiching the huge roast beef one. This in and of itself was a disconnect both visually and imagining the intermingling of those flavors.

I then took the sandwiches to the downtown bus station. I decided to hold the meal there because my brother will go to the city bus station whenever he is looking to connect. He doesn’t know where he is going or why he needs to go there, but there he is at the bus station anyway, ready for what is to come. He also has a habit of giving everything he owns away, or simply throws it out. Something about his disease makes him compulsively get rid of all personal affects. As I was sitting in the bus station, huge sandwiches in tow, I knew this is what I needed to do: give them away. So I started the rounds. People were apprehensive at first, and would not take the sandwiches. But finally, a Mexican family (a boy who could speak some English, his dad, and his grandfather) took the first slices. Soon thereafter, people began approaching me, asking for a piece. I left the station empty handed, as my brother would have done.

Going through this process was important to me. It is impossible to put yourself into someone’s shoes that has a mental illness, but it is another to go through similar motions and experience them as your own. Building his sandwich, going to the bus station, and giving away everything that I brought were all part of this. It was another way for me to connect with him as well as connecting my thoughts and feelings about him. The disconnect that we have as siblings I believe can be bridged through simple actions such as these, especially in this case where conversation is not easily had.

This type of project is a real deviation away from my usual highly planned, coordinated, and thought out event. I admit, it was difficult to let the situation take me where it would, but it turned out just right especially for my connection with my brother. So in effect, the event designed itself. As situations arose, I went with it, allowing to be taken where I needed to go. I am discovering that letting life take me where it will every now and then has huge rewards, but then again, the hardest things usually do.

Whole Wheat Bread (recipe adopted from here)

1 cup warm water (110-115 degrees F)
1 tablespoon milk
2 tablespoons oil
2 tablespoons honey
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
2 teaspoons instant active dry yeast
*Combine first 6 ingredients in a large mixing bowl; stir.
Add flours and yeast, and knead until dough is smooth and elastic, about 10-15 minutes. Place dough in a greased bowl, turning once to grease top. Cover with a clean towel and let rise until doubled, about 40 minutes.
Punch dough down; knead for a few minutes until smooth and then form into a loaf. Place in greased loaf pan and cover. Let rise in a warm place until almost doubled in size, about 30 minutes.
Bake at 350 degrees for 30-35 minutes. If loaf starts browning too soon, lightly lay a piece of foil on top of the loaf to prevent too much darkening.
Remove bread from oven and allow to rest in pan for a few minutes. Remove to a wire rack and cover with a cloth. Is excellent served warm with butter or let cool and slice to serve as a sandwich bread.

French Bread Loaves (recipe adopted from Mireille Guiliano)

4-5 cups unbleached all purpose flour
1 teaspoon active dry yeast
2 cups warm water
1 heaping teaspoon salt

Place 1/2 cup of the warm water in a small bowl, add the yeast and let froth, about ten minutes. Meanwhile, sift the flour and salt. Add the yeast and rest of the warm water (1 1/2 cups). Kneed for about 10 minutes, until smooth. Let rise in a covered bowl in a warm spot for an hour or until doubled in size. Punch down and form into small baguette loaves on your bread stone. Let rise again for about a half hour. Scour the tops and wisk 1 egg with about a teaspoon of cold water mixed in, to brush on top of the loaves before baking (this gives them a beautiful golden color and texture on top). Bake for 15 minutes at 450 degrees. Turn the oven down after the 15 minutes and back for 5-10 minutes more at 400 degrees. Place a small pan of water in the bottom of your oven to bring it to the correct humidity while baking. Enjoy!